Personally, I will do anything in my power to stay out of prison, including ratting out my family and friends. While I do love them dearly, I love my ass more. Having watched every episode of Oz twice, I'm well aware of what prison can be like. I made a vow to never become Tobias Beecher (but I did name podcast after him):
You're at a bar with your friends and you were supposed to be the designated driver, but of course, you had more beers than allowed (given that the average bar excursion lasts three or more hours, DD's can typically have up to and including a third beer. On a side note, designated drivers are my least favorite double Ds). It's still your responsibility to drive everyone home, despite the fact that you are now drunkish. If you're less drunk than your friends, then you're the DD- it's all relative.
In rural places, the roads aren't as brightly lit as they are in urban areas. "I Want it That Way" just came on the radio and everyone in the car is putting on their own individual acapella concert, which distracts you from driving. Suddenly, after looking back to see two of your friends hilariously collaborating on an air mic, you hit something in the road. Whatever you hit rolls along the roof of your car and falls onto the road behind you. Now, we have a situation to deal with: Hitting Someone With Your Car While Driving Drunk On A Dark Rural Back Road.
Your first instinct is to drive away. This is a HUGE mistake. Once you leave the scence, you lose the opportunity to be the first one to discover the body. This is key to understanding how to handle this situation- be the first person to check the body. Exit the car at warp speed and make your way to the lump of flesh in the road. Checking for signs of life.....oh shit, he's dead. Now what?
Run back to the car and pop the trunk. Ask everyone in the car to help you move the body into the trunk. Do this without hesitating- start dragging the body towards the car, while screaming for help. Once each of the people in your car touch the dead body en route to it entering your trunk, they are now responsible for being part of a criminal act. Make sure you maintain a frantic disposition, so that nobody has the time to question whether this is a good idea. If they do, make a note of that and keep going. After getting the body off the road and into your trunk, it's time to drive away. Be prepared for someone to break the silence in the car with a question regarding the legality and/or morality of what just happened. Your friends are hardly Goodfellas and this is more than expected.
First, reassure them that I Know What You Did Last Summer was just a movie. Try to inject some humor into the situation by bringing up how stupid the title for the sequel was- if it took place a year after the original incident, it's more like I Still Know What You Did Two Summers Ago. There's a 99.9% chance this won't work. At some point, someone is going to say that the cops must be called. This poses a huge problem. Since it's the 21st Century and more than 4.1 billion cell phones are in use today, odds are the person who is talking about calling the authorities has the means to do so at anytime. Bring up the fact that this person helped move a dead body from the road into the trunk of you car for the purpose of hiding the accident and that calling now will still get them in trouble. Protests will be voiced, but it's your obligation to drown that out with wave after wave of criminal liability.
It doesn't work. One of your drunk idiot friends is going to call the police. We are now entering the most challenging phase of our journey- silencing this person by any means necessary. Stop the car in the most awkwardly deserted area you can find- use the rouse of trying to find the best cell phone reception to make the call. Once this person gets out, you have to kill them. This is not negotiable. This person has proven to be completely untrustworthy and appealing to their better nature will result in no positive outcome for you. The preferred method of murder is up to your discretion, but make it quick- you will have a second body to put in the trunk. Call out to your friends still in the car, but keep in mind they are not likely to appreciate their friend's lifeless body lying at your feet.
Nobody will help you. There are screams and someone vomits. This is a major issue. What to do? First, remind them that they are already knee-deep in criminal mischief. They helped you move a dead body into your trunk and they let their friend die at your hands. What are they going to do now? Risk their freedom? Go to prison? Make sure to reference something horrific from Oz, like the ex-Nazi who got a spoon shoved up his ass. Hopefully, they get the point, but in case one of them don't, you have to rinse and repeat what you just did until either everyone that was a witness to the crime is dead or has gotten the point that you will kill them if they say anything. Leave a fisherman's hook on the front door of your friends who weren't really buying your explanation of I Know What You Did Last Summer being fictional if you have to.
So, on a night that started with drinks and laughter, you could end up burying a stranger and two or three of your friends to hide a crime. Just call a cab and avoid all the bloodshed.
