Every year, progressives make the mistake of claiming Santa Claus as one of their own. This is a mistake, in my opinion. It's difficult to identify what characteristic of his would translate into a vote for a progressive. I believe he's a conservative, possibly of the Birther/Bircher wing of the Republican Party. Consider the following points:
1. Santa Claus is the Bernie Madoff of joy- he's perpetually jolly regardless of global circumstances. Year after year, he shows growth in happiness in contrast to the rest of humanity, where happiness ebbs and flows depending on actual events. In addition, studies show that liberals tend to be less happy than conservatives because of their nuanced view of the world and empathy towards others.
2. He's fat and children leave him cookies as tribute. Odds are that Santa would disapprove of legislation designed to eliminate unhealthy food choices, such as delicious cookies. Think of Chris Christie in a red and white suit.
3. Mr. Claus keeps Mrs. Claus in her place. We barely know a thing about her and she spends the majority of her time in the house- traditional marriage at its best. And what's with making her mirror him in dress at all times? That's disturbing.
4. He keeps Hoover-esque lists. He has a fetish for prying into your personal life without government oversight and relishes in using it against you. In order to determine who has been naughty or nice, Santa crosses the line from time to time. If you want a mental reference point, he's operating a level above the NSA, but just below God.
5. K. Kringle clearly runs a non-union shop and employs child-like labor. How else do you think all of the world's Christmas presents are made? It stands to reason that the North Pole is one of those "economic freedom zones" that operate outside the jurisdiction of meaningful labor laws. The cost of buying material from distant places and picking it up would eat into excess profits of cookies and milk, even considering the boost his bottomless bag provides when transporting goods.
Everything we know about this man screams conservative. He's not a lovable progressive looking to spread his good will throughout the world. Santa Claus is a jolly ol' jerk that profits from child-like labor.
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